How Do We Want To Be Understood?

It’s good to reflect on how we’ve changed over the years. When I was a younger, sometimes ladies found me charming on the basis that I appeared to understand them. To add to the allure, I was convinced that our greatest desire was to be understood, and that to be with someone who really understands you is just about the highest inter-personal reward of all. But 25-30 years later, I think differently about that, of which, more in a moment.

Back then, I also had higher expectations of people in terms of their character, and lower standards – whereas now, it’s the opposite; as I believe that having high standards for yourself means you get to fulfil your obligations, and having low expectations of others means you’re not too disappointed and more forgiving – as per my formula: Contentment = high standards for yourself + low expectations  of others.

Returning to being understood, having changed my perspective by expecting less of others, and having higher standards for myself, I’ve come to realise that people’s desire to be understood is often more a desire to be seen as they wish they were through their higher ideal self. In other words, people don’t always want to be understood wholly accurately because that would expose many of the parts of the self they’d rather keep hidden; they want to be seen through the lens of their higher aspirations.

But that’s where you need to be cautious. It’s far more important to have close people in your life who can understand you through the dusky lens of reality, because then you’re telling the truth, and it’s only the truth that can lead to proper enlightenment about the self, and actually, the legitimate fulfilling of potential. If you’re never going to be a good enough singer, or actor, or carpenter or philosopher to make the grade, it’s better that you know about it. Equally, if you’re good enough to be a great salesman, racing driver, life coach or artist, but you don’t recognise it enough in yourself, it’s better that you know that too, and can be encouraged further by others who also see it and share in your truths.

We often mistakenly act as though the people who see us through the lens of their higher aspirations are the only ones that truly understand us, but that’s not necessarily the case. Some who know us best are the most painfully aware of how far short of our ideal selves we fall. Knowing the true extent of our imperfections is one of the deepest understandings we can encounter. When we crave ideal understanding, we want others to accept our ideal self as our real self; when we crave authentic understanding, we want to accept our real self and trust in our pursuit of the ideal self. To be seen as we are and as we hope to be is to ground the understanding in truth and in faith, being forgiving of our faults and invested in our potential. That is the way we should want to be understood.