From my book The Divine Truths of Love:
"There’s a
great piece of wisdom in Ephesians 4:26 about not letting the sun go down while
we are still angry. It’s not a verse we should take absolutely literally in
every instance – sometimes after an argument a couple needs some time out to
absorb, reflect and come back to the table in a renewed place. But the
instruction, alongside Jesus’ other concomitant instruction in Matthew 5:24 –
that if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your
brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of
the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift –
serves as a wise template for negotiating conflict early before it enlarges
into something more serious and toxic. In marriage, there are going to be some
things to negotiate, and some of them are likely to reveal a conflict of
preferences, or personal improvements that each beloved needs to make.
Negotiating these situations as early as possible will be of great benefit in
the marriage, because anything that gets suppressed is not going to go away,
it’s going to fester and multiply deep in the recesses of the belly, and come
back with even bigger bite.
Early on in the marriage, keep a close eye on this in terms of domestic living, because living together is going to involve lots of repeated behaviour regarding routines. Develop an understanding of one another as honestly, as eagerly and as gently as possible. Be transparent about what is going well and what is not, and how your personality profiles differ, and work together to negotiate those differences. Even two well-matched beloveds are bringing different personalities, different perspectives and different experiences to the marriage - and it is because you each have a diverse range of skills and preferences to bring to the table that there’ll inevitably be conflicts to negotiate. If you tackle them early, keep them small and negotiable, and seek the truth together, you can become stronger and wiser together by navigating through them on your journey. But both of you must be courageous; don’t deflect and repress in hankering for the spurious notion of peaceful avoidance; be determined and truthful together, and learn to be honest as you master negotiation."
