In the book Getting The Love You Want, by
clinical therapists Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly, the authors suggest
that marriages can only thrive when both beloveds consciously work to get rid
of all negativity. One of the key concepts in this generally excellent book is
that individuals often bring unresolved emotional wounds from childhood into
their romantic relationships, which can manifest as negativity in communication
or behaviour. It’s true that by actively addressing and healing these wounds,
partners can create a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.
But the idea that beloveds should consciously work to get rid of all negativity has potential downsides if taken too rigidly, and these seem to go unnoticed in the authors’ work here. The benefits of reducing negativity are obvious; it reduces hostility, resentment, defensiveness and contempt; and it fosters a safer, emotionally secure environment. But there are costs too, especially if negativity is merely suppressed, because it usually won’t go away – it will manifest stronger further down the line.
It will also impair healthy conflict, which is necessary for growth. If couples avoid expressing frustration or disagreement to maintain a "negativity-free" relationship, they will inevitably sidestep important conversations that would lead to deeper understanding when negotiated sufficiently.
And we also have to consider that negativity in healthy amounts is a reality of being human, and a key part of authenticity in relationships. Trading off helpful negativity for the purposes of total abolition is not going to foster an authentic relationship, because there are going to be some negative things about growing together in marriage. The bridge to mutual transformation involves constructively navigating negativity.
Clearly, it's both unhealthy and unrealistic to eliminate all negativity. A more sustainable approach is to manage negativity in a constructive way - acknowledging difficult emotions, expressing concerns respectfully, finding solutions together, and turning negotiations into opportunities for deeper connection rather than sources of disconnection.
I personally do endeavour to remove most negativity from relationships - I much prefer a positive, encouraging, hopeful dynamic in relationships. But it's important to understand that just because a small amount of negativity has to be encouraged as one of the essential tools for transformations - both personally and relationally - we mustn’t be complacent about its detrimental effects on marriages. You can think of it a little like salt on your vegetables; a pinch will bring out flavours that otherwise remain blander, but as soon as it's applied in excess it will spoil the whole meal. I'll explain what I think are the benefits of a pinch of negativity, both from an epistemological perspective and a psychological one.
From an epistemological perspective, healthy negativity is a necessary part of the process of knowledge and growth. The very nature of understanding and learning involves questioning, challenging, and sometimes even rejecting previous assumptions. In relationships, it is through confronting difficult emotions and challenging our perspectives that we grow closer and develop deeper mutual understanding. When partners are able to engage with the "negative" aspects of themselves and their relationship - be it frustration, disappointment, or disagreement - they are engaging in a vital cognitive process that allows them to redefine their relationship and evolve together. This active confrontation of tension, rather than the suppression of it, invites important learning and deeper connection.
And from a psychological perspective, healthy negativity plays a crucial role in emotional regulation and psychological resilience. Healthy negative emotions like frustration or anger can serve as signals, pointing us toward areas that need attention or adjustment. When managed appropriately, these feelings offer a route to catharsis and emotional release, fostering emotional intimacy when expressed and understood. As I said above, suppressing negativity doesn’t resolve the underlying issues - it simply buries them, allowing them to resurface in more damaging ways later on. It's psychology 101. By acknowledging and processing difficult emotions, partners open up pathways to healing and genuine connection. This process of emotional integration - transforming negativity into insight - creates a stronger bond and greater psychological safety.
Furthermore, on top of all the above, I believe the danger of telling couples to eradicate all negativity is that they will also feel more pessimistic about themselves and their relationship when it inevitably keep materialising. What beloveds should instead understand, and be encouraged by, is that when negativity is used as a tool for growth, with beloveds in full truthseekng mode, it can strengthen the foundation and resilience of the relationship itself, forging deeper mutual trust and respect than its suppression would ever cultivate or allow.
