In honour of
the French student we have staying with us – who is here to learn lots about
our English language and customs – I’ve been thinking up and sharing with her
some of the amusing quirks you can expect from a typical Brit. Here’s what I
have so far.
Getting so annoyed with a colleague that they sign off an email with just ‘Regards’ instead of ‘Kind Regards’
Apologising any time someone is in your way – cue, "Oh, I’m sorry you walked into me!”
Queuing as a sacred national ritual, where any breach of queue etiquette is punishable by intense tutting and silent contempt.
Saying “No worries if not!”, even after a wholly reasonable request.
Issuing disclaimers – “I’m not being funny, but…”, “I don’t mean to be rude, but…, “No offense, but…” – then saying something that’s absolutely funny, definitely rude, and deeply offensive.
Pretending not to notice someone you know in the supermarket to avoid small talk. It’s better to get chilly staring at the chicken drumsticks in the frozen section for 3-4 minutes than to look up and say “hello”.
Avoiding eye contact on public transport like it's a social landmine, where the horror of meeting someone’s gaze on the bus is a gross microaggression.
Bringing up the weather as an emergency social lubricant, cue: “Bit grey today, isn’t it?”, or saying "Nice weather we’ve been having” when it’s merely not rained for a few hours.
Responding to the question “How are you?” with “Not too bad”, even if you’re having an awful time of it or if life is going swimmingly.
The complete inability to maintain traffic flow during heavy rainfall or with the single fall of a snowflake.
Saying we’ll do things - “I might pop over!”, “We must do lunch!”, “Catch up next month!” – when there is zero chance of our following this up.
Celebrating minor inconveniences as shared national traumas, cue “Remember the 7 minute power cut during 2007? Ah yes, we ploughed on through”
Praising someone’s tea-making skills as if they’ve just solved Goldbach’s Conjecture.
Saying “No harm done” while being internally enraged.
Having a full-blown crisis, but still asking, “Sorry, am I being a bother?”
Feel free to add your own – although if you’re British, you might feel inclined to apologise first for interjecting. 😀
